Crazed Jottings

This page is a temporary scrap pad of ideas that have been accumulating in the long periods when my brain is in neutral, otherwise known as the hours of paid employment. I am venting them out now to reduce steam pressure and make room for more lucid ideas. Eventually these ideas may form part of a coherent and logical argument and even form a page worthy of this site. But I doubt it.

(OK, it's now three years on, and no, it is still a ramble, but it is amusing.)

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Campaign for Real Windows

This is nothing to do with Microsoft. This is about glass, walls and orifices.

A window should be a window. A hole within a solid wall that allows light in. Glass is the perfect material for windows. It is a terrible material for walls. Glass lets light in and allows heat through. In summer a glass building is far too hot. In winter you cannot afford to heat it. Glass looks good when it is clean, it looks terrible when it is dirty. In contrast stone or brick carry grime and slime with grace. A stone wall looks almost distinguished when it is sooty and covered in moss. Stone ages like a man, glass ages like an Italian peasant girl, fantastic to look at when clean and fresh, but in twenty years time you want to demolish it and get a new one.

Mirror glass is terrible. Some city streets are like solar furnaces in the sunlight. Pedestrians are blinded and cooked as they try to walk past. Some intersections must be as fun to negotiate as a hall of mirrors.

Architects should get out into the real world and start to use natural materials for walls. They should also realize that no matter how many windows a modern building has office workers will always put the lights on twenty four hours a day.

All modern buildings are steel frames with cladding on the outside. I suggest using more insulating materials to fill the walls out and clad them with thin panels, or tiles, of stone or brick. These would last for years without maintenance and could be replaced piecemeal or all at once as required.

Windows should be holes within walls.

Band Names

Another function that free AOL and CompuServe CDs can have is in supplying names for new bands. Mohair-Arable, sniff-deists and Frenzy-Suburb sound just right. I am not in the same league as AOL's random word generator, the best I can come up with are Total Harmonic Distortion and The Pope's Mother-in-law. To be truly creative these days requires a lack of pretension, we cannot compete with computers.

 

Men's eyes

Has it ever bothered you that men seem to have an extra erogenous zone? The retina.

I can never understand why some men seem to get so much pleasure out of looking at what they know they will never touch. I also wonder if women have any inkling about how much lust they generate. I can only assume that they must be ignorant of it, otherwise they would be unable to cope with life.

I want what they want

Boy band hysteria. Thousands of young girls screaming with lust. This is a perfectly natural event. It has a very simple Darwinian explanation. It makes perfect sense not to use your own judgement about what is desirable. It doesn't matter, evolutionarily speaking, what you yourself like. You should always want what is popularly perceived to be popular. The reason is simple. If you are a young female you will do your genes the most good if you mate with a popular male because you stand a good chance of raising a son with those popular characteristics. A popular son, especially a rock star, could have lots of successful children. So next time you see a screaming teenager don't dismiss her as a mindless crowd-follower. She probably is, but she is also being more rational than she knows.

The Rule of Three

To be a successful girl band the best number to have is always three. Why? The answer is very simple. Three women is enough, even in a sexual fantasy. If there were only two the man then has to find out their names. Any more than three is too many to fantasize about and too many ways to split the money.

There is another rule too. Not too black. Three mid brown women is the lowest common denominator sexual fantasy.

Three is also enough of a temptation to outweigh a steady partnership. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush; but three... I defy any man to say he would not swap his wife or girlfriend for three lithe mid brown available women.

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Worst substance on Earth

Have you ever thought what the worst substance on Earth is? I think I have just worked it out. The residue at the dry cleaners. Powerful solvents dissolve all the sweat, blood, snot, rancid zit residues, hair grease, dust, dirt, food stains, antiperspirant and all the other even more unmentionable organic residues in your clothes and then the solvent is evaporated, to be reused, leaving behind...

There it is, the worst substance on earth.
No, not that, that stuff is just tetrachloroethylene,
THIS is the frightening stuff. Sealed away, all the distilled contents of every laundry stain. Unspeakable horrors lurk within those innocuous barrels...
..it comes from the sludge out of the dry cleaning machines, but where does it go?
No, It can't be the same stuff, can it? It looks like the same barrels. But these barrels were being delivered to Burger King by their coffee suppliers. You don't think...? Nah, surely not...
 
 
 

Sinister Plot

Am I just being gauche or is there a sinister plot going on in the world today to link everything creative with the left? New ideas always come out of leftfield. Why? Don't balls ever come from other parts of the baseball field? Left wing is trendy. Lisa left eye Lopes. Why is nobody ever called things like Rita right buttock Richards?

Is this just a cack-handed attempt at observational comedy or am I on to something. Only you can tell.

Weight against height

Don't these "Are you the correct weight for your height?" charts piss you off? Some of these charts allow men to be within certain bands for different physiques, but women are women, there is no allowance made for any differences. This is not the species I know. We have enormous variability in bone size, organ size, limb size, muscle size and density. Even when I was a painfully thin teenager I was heavy, I literally have big bones. (I also now carry far too much fat because I eat too much and do hardly any exercise.)

If some of the Fat Police are to be believed you cannot be overweight and healthy, and all sportsmen are naturally fit. From these two points we can deduce that weigh-ins for boxers are a waste of time. Just match them up in height categories. If they are fit enough to box they must be the same weight.

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