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The Dark at the Bottom: Guns, Education and the Criminal-Corrections Industrial Complex

You've probably committed your own email faux pas by now, maybe a misunderstanding caused by your little “nudge, nudge ... wink, wink” that was so obvious. Or you made an equally clear tongue-in-cheek remark that somehow insulted the recipient.

Maybe a brilliant bit of “plain as day” sarcasm went uncomprehended by Important_Person@email.net, who promptly unleashed his lawyer. Such email miscues force us to retreat to the trusty telephone, or even precious face time for damage control.

You could resort to “emoticons” (: ), but outside casual notes, these tag you as another “y'knowhatI'msayin'” semi-literate refugee from MTV, lost without graphical aids. 'Same with LOL “Laughing Out Loud”- style acronyms, the equivalent of TV audience “APPLAUSE!” signs, except yours is flashing, “NO LANGUAGE SKILLS!”

We've spent the last several generations perfecting the telephone, unlearning centuries of business-as-correspondence. Email has us rudely rediscovering the lost art of correspondence in much the same fashion one rediscovers” a lost thumbtack while visiting the bathroom in the dead of night. Email violently revolutionized how we communicate. Now the revolution is devouring its children, not by firing squad, but with digital drivel overflowing our spam traps.

There's no tongue visibly plumping the cheek, no snicker on the line signaling sarcasm. It's just you and that blank space — every writer's nightmarish opening since we used rocks for paper. No quick camera cuts, pumped music or fashion babes. You're just out there.

Now that “nudge, nudge” has to be carefully scripted to make it work. You must belabor each halfway-energetic expression in careful King's English lest it somehow explode in misapprehension on arrival. Soon, whatever effect you had in mind becomes too bothersome to produce. Result: self-censored, sterile reading, about as “engaging” as a pre- nuptial agreement.

Predictably, there's “Email for Dummies,” but Amazon's blurb promises only to help us “find out how to set up popular email software . . . get tips on managing your address book . . . master the art of sending and receiving attachments —-” Nothing to make us good writers?!

Of course not. “English 101” no longer fits our schedules, and, further, begs the old question about good writers being born rather than made. Still, we can try to become “less bad” if not “good. My cunning plan:

First. Short. To be concise, of course, but also save the work of rewriting one more word than necessary. As maybe Shakespeare proclaimed: “there is no good writing, only good re-writing.” Email is quick and convenient. Writing is not. Never mind. The effort you spend getting it right the fifth time will more than compensate for getting it wrong the first.

Next, read outgoing email with an incoming eye. Pressing that “Send” key is often a quick trip to “What I should have said . . .” If there's the slightest suspicion that you may be angry, tired, inebriated — and absent any truly “pressing” need — put your missive in the “Drafts” folder and chill overnight.

As for capitalization, punctuation, all that stuff that made you hate English in school, do as Dr. Johnson probably said, and “let consistency be your hobgoblin.” Unsure if quotes go inside or outside commas? Flip a coin. There are competing “schools” on such stuff. You can pull off having started your own provided at least one person consistently adheres. And that would be you.

Finally, even poppycock can pass for prose with a little “email etiquette”: Use the “signature” utility of your email program to make up a little heading with name, phone number, URL, whatever, and put your copy underneath, like stationery. Relatedly, if it's a reply, put your reply over the original. Always include it for reference, but spare the reader from having to scroll through his mess to get to yours.

On opening, don't erupt like Jehovah to the Israelites. Give us an old-fashioned salutation: “Dear So-and-So:” or “Hi, So-and-So,” Email should be succinct, even pointed. Soften the effect by “saluting” the recipient!

And acknowledging the sender. Yes, “sign” at the bottom, particularly if your return address is mummyluvswoogins@aol.com

OK. No great improvement. At least I'm fairly sure (I can't stop to re-read these things!) that I didn't call you a “Dummy.” Just take the time to find and re-write those miscues. Mind your email etiquette. Do it before publishing to the world your well-kept secret: you're a sixth-grader inexplicably appointed to some adult guy's job.

Text © Travis Charbeneau

© 1999 - 2008 by Martin Willett.

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