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The home of Extreme Smiting
I have been an atheist since the age of 12. Is God angry
with me? Does he want to punish me as a Sign to His People? Or does he
want to fill me with the Holy Spirit and turn me into a new disciple
just like he did with the sinner Saul? Either way this was His chance.
I offered myself up for a live online smiting or conversion to
the Holy Way by The Holy Spirit. And the gods didn't take me up on it.
The first SMITECAM© was due to go live between 17:55 and 18:05
GMT on Monday 10th March 03. But I lost my internet connection that day. ntlworld did
not mention the phrase “act of God”, so I'll assume this
was due to a regular technical balls-up, it also took out several thousand
other subscribers. Another possibility is that it was the work of the
God of the Hebrews, because he seemed to have the same casual attitude
to collateral damage in acts of reappraisal as the Israeli army.
SMITECAM! Take 1
The second attempt went largely to plan, although coinciding with
the first days of fighting in the invasion of Iraq probably didn't
help the viewing figures.
The gods were each given their own time slot to slay me, I understand
that they can be jealous, so this way there was no possibility of
one claiming responsibility for the work of another.
Jolt me Jesus!
Gnash me Ganesh!
Shaft me Shiva!
Odin I deny thee, so fry me!
f the gods wanted to tell me to stop being
so silly they had several options. There was a holy password
that only God could have known. The password was on display in front
of my monitor in clear view of any omnipresent being watching me
sinning, along with the number of my phone, all any merciful god
had to do to stop me was to send a message by email, instant message,
phone or SMS. No such message was received either directly or via
any of the gods' messengers on Earth.
I gave a name-check to many Indian, Aztec, Greek
and Norse gods all to no avail. None seemed interested in sending
me any kind of sign. What should I conclude from that? That gods
are real and take a great interest in the lives of men but wait
until they are dead and/or the end of the world (that bit is never
clear even in Christian myths) before doing anything about sin?
Imagine a father that didn't offer any rebukes to his children until
it was too late for them to change their ways. Imagine a teacher
who didn't mark any work, didn't hand out any punishments or rebukes
until the final examinations had been sat. Is that the behaviour
of an entity deserving worship? Is that behaviour at all?
God makes the world (have faith in that) and the world unfolds with
no evidence of God's attention and then comes death and/or the end
of the world and God gets his act together again. (You need faith
about that part too, because obviously nobody will ever be around
to say it hasn't happened). Basically religions are simply one explanation
for the reality of the world we see that relies on us believing
that believing in them is good. But how can you be comfortable in
believing anybody who tells you that doubting their story is a sin?
How can that not set your alarm bells ringing? Surely that
faith is a virtue concept
can work to uphold any idea, and only ideas that cannot be
proved would need this kind of immunity from doubt.
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SmiteCam 2: Interactive Smiting!
1.02MB AVI
The second Smitecam episode went off without much in the way of
incident. This was an updated version of the event with the added
benefit of interactivity. A live webcam feed and and a chatroom
was set up under Yahoo Messenger, there were several witnesses to
the non-event.
Despite giving them every opportunity to smite me dead no miraculous
events took place.
** Adam has joined the chat.
Adam: aha a conference
Martin: Ahh indeed. It seems to work just like I'd hoped
it would.
*** Rachel has joined the chat.
Rachel: aha i see
Martin: Yes. Great stuff.
Adam: who is first then?
Adam: do they have allocated slots like last time?
Rachel: LOL ><
Martin: Who do you think should go first?
Adam: I wouldn't know really, one seems very much like
another, heh
Adam: lol, should have thought of that
Martin: Maybe next time I can get sponsorship. LOL
Adam: possibly ;p
Martin: SMITECAM is brought to you by TRILLIAN PRO, Cain's
Formidable Ale
and Quaker Snack-a-Jacks.
Rachel: as i said to adam earlier, the gods could be possessing
your body though and making you seem alive even once they've already
struck you down..(jk)
Martin: Possibly. You can't put anything past those gods.
They're not human I say!
Rachel: lol
Martin: Does anybody know who the senior god around here
is?
Rachel: as in out of all the religions?
Martin: Yeah, who has seniority?
Rachel: oooh they all claim to have it
Rachel: i say Re does though, or Ra as some ppl call him
Rachel: and he's egyptian
Rachel: rofl
Martin: Good point.
Martin: OK, that'll do. ROAST ME RA!
Rachel: LOL
Adam: rofl * Adam marvels at your unsmitedness
Rachel: brb all
Martin: OK, who's next?
Adam: hmm, not too sure, who is most deserving?
Adam: lol
Martin: Yahweh, God of Moses, shaft me with a thunderbolt!
Martin: Nope. I'm still here.
Rachel: *didn't see any thunderbolts*
Adam: indeed ;p
Martin: Perhaps I should challenge a specialist?
Martin: THOR!
Martin: THOR, cleave me with a mighty thunderbolt!
Adam: hehe
Rachel: LOL
*** "salvation" has joined the chat.
Martin: I don't know what the neighbours will think, shouting,
thunderclouds, the fiery chariots in the driveway...
Adam: I suspect they wouldn't venture out
Rachel: lmao ><
Adam: nikki, you viewing the webcam?
"salvation": I have no idea..
Martin: KRUSH ME KRISHNA!
"salvation": probably not
Adam: well view it! lol
"salvation": I can't figure this shit out!
Adam: nope, distinct lack of any crushedness there
"salvation": and gabby won
"salvation": won't stop singing*
Martin: Can anybody else suggest a punning challenge?
Adam: a punning challenge?
Rachel: get the Goddess to send firebolts down to roast
you alive (she's even pagan..)
Martin: Any particular goddess?
Rachel: oh they just call her "Goddess"
Adam: I'm not sure she has a name
Martin: But does she have the power to smite?
Rachel: definitely
Martin: OK
Adam: does she?
Rachel: (i dunno, lol ><)
Adam: nor do I...
Adam: nikki?
Adam: can the goddess smite us?
"salvation": no
Rachel: but the dutch ppl do weather magic with her, so
she should be able to send flames down to roast us..imho..
Rachel: aww
Rachel: that sucks -_-
Martin: Goddess, female force of nature, mother Earth and
all that shit, SMITE ME NOW!
"salvation": gaia
Martin: (can somebody invite ""Felate Jesus""
I guess they want to see the show.
"salvation": her name is gaia
Adam: hmm, I'd have expected a small earth tremor at least
Adam: lol
Rachel: lmfao
Adam: I'll do it
Adam: well I sent one...
Adam: perhaps the gods are interfering with the yahoo servers
Rachel: LOL
Adam: should I invite any gods?
*** "Felate Jesus" has joined the chat.
Rachel: invite Thoth, he was evil.. o.o
Martin: Got it. I can invite now.
Adam: cool
"Felate Jesus": Ah... not many in here is there?
Adam: trillian pro does comma seperated lists I think
"Felate Jesus": Two to be exact! Heh heh
Martin: THOTH THQUATH ME LIKE A MOTH!
Rachel: lol
Martin: Serious face on now.
"Felate Jesus": Nice T-Shirt you have there
Martin: It says something similar on the back too.
"Felate Jesus": I take it you have not been smited
yet?
Martin: The ink went through...
"Felate Jesus": Come on god, smite us! Or are
you too chicken?
"Felate Jesus": Cluck cluck cluck.
"Felate Jesus": Nope, didn't get smited.
*** Rayne has joined the chat.
Martin: OK, who's next to be challenged?
Adam: eris?
Rachel: who's that??
"Felate Jesus": Priapus
Adam: goddess of discord afaik
Rachel: aha
Martin: Eris, I'm rapidly trying to think of rhymes...
"Felate Jesus": That slut the virgin Mary?
"Felate Jesus": What a ho she was!
"salvation": she's ares's twin sister
Martin: MARY, Mother of God give me one mother of a headache.
SMITE ME MARY!
"Felate Jesus": Anything happen?
Martin: ERIS I challenge you, smite me dead!
"Felate Jesus": She's probably off somewhere
shagging.
*** Rayne has left the chat.
*** Rayne has joined the chat.
Adam: they don't seem very cooperative tonight
Martin: OK, time to call on JC?
"Felate Jesus": Oy Jebus, smite me down now!
Adam: sure, why not?
Martin: JOLT ME JESUS!!!
Adam: lol
Adam: is everyone viewing the cam?
"Felate Jesus": Nothing happened. It must be
this iron chariot I'm driving.
*** Rayne has left the chat.
*** Rayne has joined the chat.
Martin: ALLAH smite me dead now!
"Felate Jesus": Hey jebus, the bible is an instruction
manual for paedophiles! If it isn't, bonk me on the top of my head
with a bolt of lightening now.
Martin: Still there?
Adam: seems so ;p
Martin: HOLY JEBUS! SMITE ME DEAD!
Rayne: lol, Yup
"Felate Jesus": Still going strong - I didn't
even get a tiny little static electricity charge off the carpet.
Martin: OK, anybody else have a favourite god? A mean one?
Rachel: Hathor
Martin: HATHOR been ignoring me? SMITE ME NOW!
"Felate Jesus": How many folks are on the other
facilities you are using?
Martin: Eeer. One active.
Martin: errrr even.
Adam: ahh -_-
Martin: No, two.
Rachel: lol
Adam: hmm
Martin: (in case you are wondering whether it's a big glass
or a small head, I can confirm it's a quart pot)
"Felate Jesus": Dear god, if you exist, make
it look like your followers are ignorant brain-washed drones.
Rachel: lol
Rayne: lol, I was wondering about that.
"Felate Jesus": Hey, that one worked!
*** Rachel has left the chat.
Martin: OK, how about a more general challenge?
Martin: If there are ANY gods tuned in make my face GREEN.
Rayne: Haha
Martin: No, perhaps if I drink a LOT more beer....
Martin: GNASH ME GANESH!
*** "salvation" has left the chat.
Rayne: lol
"Felate Jesus": Listen, something is happening...
"Felate Jesus": False alarm. Nothing is happening.
Martin: Yeah, nothing is happening here either.
*** Rayne has left the chat.
Martin: ANKNATON aknowledge me! SMITE ME DEAD!
Martin: It's getting lonely in here now. Nobody is killing
anybody.
"Felate Jesus": Oh mighty Yahweh, if you exist,
send a sign by striking me down dead. But if you don't, do nothing.
Martin: Good call.
Martin: OK< here's a challenge: I'm going to open this
BIBLE at random and read the message from God.
"Felate Jesus": Heh heh
Martin: where are the kings of Hameth, of Arpad, and of
Lahir, Serharvaim, Hena and Ivvah?
Martin: Well, that was a choice message, I'm convinced!
Martin: Not.
"Felate Jesus": They've buggered off, obviously.
Martin: OK, two out of three?
"Felate Jesus": Ah!!!
Martin: The Israelites said to Moses 'This is the end of
us! We perish, one and all! Every single person who goes near the
Tabernacle of the Lord dies. Is this to be our final end?'
Martin: Ummmm. I suppose a few fundies could construe that
as some kind of Holy Sign.
Martin: I'll try one more.
Martin: Your mother was a vine in a vineyard planted by
the waterside
"Felate Jesus": Alleluya!
Martin: It grew fruitful and luxuriant, for there was water
in plenty.
Martin: It had stout branches,
"Felate Jesus": Praise be!
Martin: fit to make sceptres for those who bear rule.
"Felate Jesus": Jesus loves branches! Hooray!
Martin: Nothing about not tempting the Lord thy God or
anything like that then. Pretty much what you'd expect from a random
sample.
Martin: OK, last chance.
Martin: 'Thank you headmaster,' Professor Umbridge simpered,
'for those kind words of welcome.'
"Felate Jesus": That's in the bible?
Martin: Harry Potter!
Martin: Slartibartfast floated past, waving. It's just
a documentary,' he called out. 'This is not a good bit. Terribly
sorry, trying to find the rewind control...'
Martin: LOL
"Felate Jesus": That CAN'T be the bible.
Martin: elk, n. large mammal of the deer kind.
Martin: Well, I'm giving them all the breaks they need.
These gods just don't want to send me much of a sign.
Martin: OK, I'll even help them by making sure I go to
the new testament. God, this is your big chance...
Martin: Oh this is good!
Martin: So too with these men today. Their dreams lead
them to defile the body, to flout authority, and to insult celestial
beings. In contrast when the archangel Michael was in debate with
the devil , disputing the possession of Moses's body, he did not
presume to condemn him in insulting words, but said, 'May the Lord
rebuke you!'
"Felate Jesus": LOL!
Martin: Is he finally tuned in?
Martin: I'll tempt fate one more time.
Martin: I'll even go right to the back, and try to find
Revelations...
Martin: Missed!
"Felate Jesus": England 1 - Croatia 0
Martin: I mean Onesimus, once so little use to you, but
now useful indeed, both to you and to me. I am sending him back
to you, and in so doing I am sending a part of myself. I should
have liked to keep him with me, to look after me as you would wish,
here in prison for the Gospel.
"Felate Jesus": It's a message from god!
Martin: Hardly the stuff to get me on my knees praying.
"Felate Jesus": Fellate me Jesus!
Martin: Are you feeling the coming of the Lord?
"Felate Jesus": LOL!
"Felate Jesus": Are you eating the body of christ?
"Felate Jesus": Lucky you!
"Felate Jesus": can't quite make it out
"Felate Jesus": ah, munchies
Martin: Less than 5% fat.
"Felate Jesus": or the body of christ, as we
in religious circles call them
"Felate Jesus": that'll be the bood of christ
then?
Martin: A manky one.
"Felate Jesus": my spelling has gone to pot
Martin: Literally?
"Felate Jesus": not literally! Just for the moment.
"Felate Jesus": England 2 - Croatia 0
Martin: At last, a holy sign!
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The Word of God
Wednesday 7th July 2004
Watch out for Smitecam
V in June 2007
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Don't bite me...
SMITE ME!
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Smiting Unlimited
I'll happily publish your pictures of your own courageous stand against
the non-existent deities. There will be no prizes but recognition for
creative slogans, poses, locations, clothes, hairstyle etc. etc.
Here are a few rules:
1 ) No hateful slogans, how can you hate a deity you don't believe
in?
2 ) Don't send me any files bigger than 1 MB without prior warning.
3 ) If you get arrested for doing something stupid it isn't my fault,
stick within the law!
4 ) Take any banners away with you, don't cause litter or any form
of criminal damage.
5 ) Just
in case it goes horribly wrong be sure to be carrying an
organ donor card. ;-)
6 ) Have fun! I'll be happy to publish your pictures and perhaps even
short videos or a series of stills plus a sound track.
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Challenging God to strike me dead outside St Joseph's Church, Stockport
town centre.
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“Missus
Gumby” indulges in a touch of Extreme Smiting in
the door of Cambridge's Wesleyan Methodist Church. No results so
far.
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Mike challenges the pantheons
of all nineteen* heavens to strike him dead.
* They keep some secret even from True Believers.
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What a place to be smitten! Against the orange sky of Stockport
too!
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This is the place to go. A gothic ruin of a church with a huge
spire, an over-grown graveyard, an orange sky...
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...a heroic stance and a shiny Smite Me waistcoat.
This is challenging the gods in style.
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